2010
Jan.28th, 2010, USA
5:45 am
Got work on a commercial fishing boat, the "Aguero" in early December. It's been a big plus that Jeremiah, the captain, liked Job so much and allowed me to take him with us everyday. I've missed working on the water...and will.
March 25, 2010
Got a new job working with and training animals at a private zoo.
April 18th, 2010
Something has to give. There will come a day when we will say "we can't keep living like this." I don't know when that day will be. When an irresistible force meets an immovable object something has to give or something is going to break. Though I've felt broken many times, oxygen continued to enter my lungs and I continued to live. The truth in me is both irresistible and immovable though I have tried to resist it and the world has tried to move it. I can not change the world, but I can change my life. I can be responsible for what I am aware of and behave accordingly. I can refuse to condone what my conscience, my higher power, my instincts, tell me is unacceptable. In every worldly instance, the truth is either the irresistible force or the immovable object and when they collide, the hard truth will be revealed. We can choose to embody the truth that we are aware of or we can choose to ignore it until the choice is no longer ours. The longer we wait the more likely we will discover it truly is an irresistible force and we truly are not an immovable object as we lay in its wake. The sooner we choose to accept it the better chances we have to align ourselves with it so that we may embody it's universal and timeless character.
As a young man, I choose to believe that any true statement about life is universal to all and useful to all those willing to be honest with themselves. I had "found myself" by, finally, being truly honest with myself and this solidified a loyalty to the truth. Honesty being the pathway to the truth. Though I was not perfect, I naively believed and attempted to be honest in every situation I found myself in with the faith that something miraculous would happen. This was a very difficult way to live and I often found myself trapped in situations where to be truly honest it would sabotage my success in the specific situation. So, I would remain silent, keep my head down and work twice as hard hoping it would somehow distance me from the lie I was aware of until eventually I would have to leave not being go along anylonger. I believed others who believed the same would recognize my efforts and we would establish a genuine connection. In short, I believe it takes one to know one. Though many times I found myself completely alone in the truth that I see, I have no choice, now, once again, to accept that it is an irresistible force and I must become movable to align myself with it. For those who believe the same, to tell our stories driven by honesty, not ego, we help one another on our individual journeys as well as keep one another connected on our universal one.
For the past year, I have attempted to live differently and I have been unsuccessful and miserable. Always succeeding at finding work and earning respect from my employers, I've had ten jobs in 12 months in a wide range of fields. The previous year was more of the same. It always came as a surprise to whoever I was working for when I would decide to move on. They were very happy with my work because I took their "business" and it's responsibilities very seriously. They liked me for what I did for them, but pleasing them was not going to address everything I see and am painfully aware of. They all required me to turn a blind eye to things that are too important to ignore. I realize this is "just a part of life" and all jobs require this to an extent, but the compromise is far too great for me. Neglect is part of the formula for disaster. If a situation prevents us from being ourselves it can turn our gifts into curses. Every job required me to forget about the life I have lived and everything I have learned up until now and just join the crowd. I have toughed it out long enough, but there is no point in it. If I had reasons to justify "sucking it up" for the sake of my family or other immediate responsibilities maybe things would be different, but I don't and all I am doing is torturing myself to sustain an unsustainable lifestyle that doesn't make me happy. There is a reason why I don't have these things and it is because I have deliberately chosen not to start that chapter in my life until I had adequately addressed the world in which I would be starting it in. This has given me an opportunity to do what others can not do because of their responsibilities and I am going to take this opportunity and do what I believe I still have a responsibility to do. And this time, I am not going to sacrifice my own health and well being to do it like I have in the past. If I believe so deeply in the message, I need to take better care of the messenger. This is one thing the last two years has taught me.
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